Is it me?

I must have too much time on my hands. I keep finding myself obsessing thinking about recent events and wondering what it was that I did to cause that to happen, whatever "that" was. I'd like to think that my mind is working so frenetically that it runs out of things to think about while I am about my daily tasks, and then begins to look for other things to do while my hands and body are plodding along trying to keep up.

Yeah, I didn't buy that one either.

More likely, I'm so ADD that every distraction that comes along insinuates itself into my grey matter like a tick or a spider and then claws into the mass until it gets the attention it's seeking.

Okay, THAT needs a little mental bleach.

Back to the topic as I intended, when I start to think on these recent events I try to ascertain cause and effect. What did I do to cause that event? What did I do to alter that course of action? And of course I look at it as my fault - why wouldn't I? I am well aware of being my own worst critic, but then I know myself better than any other person does, therefore I know my faults. And while I know that not everything is my fault, it's still my fault.

A couple of things that happened to me within the past week or two grabbed my attention like virtual slaps in the face. Things that on the surface shouldn't have meant much, and probably don't, but for whatever reason turned into those parasitic critters, digging and chewing their way into my psyche (LOVELY image) until I found myself revisiting them, much like picking at a scab that would heal faster and with less scarring if left alone. True OCDers (CDOers for the truly, TRULY CDO) know better. "Why leave it alone when you can do some serious mental gymnastics with this one?" I should have probably just left well enough alone.

I didn't.

The first event happened a few weeks ago. I was having a discussion with a friend who was dealing with some issues I wasn't a part of, but mostly just venting. Looking for an opportunity to verbalize what was going on at the time, mostly for their own sake. I certainly didn't have any answers. At one point, however, I said something to them and, to stress my point, I reached out and touched the back of their hand with my fingertips. Not a slap, not grabbing, not poking. Just a soft touch on their hand. When I did this, they flinched. They flinched. They. Flinched.

Is it me?

My first thought was that I surprised them, but as we were sitting at a table fairly close and had been so for a while, I was pretty sure they knew I was there at the time. My second thought was "What do you see when you look at me?" What kind of image do I throw out, what impression of myself do I share with others? Am I mean or a brute? Did they think I was going to hit them? Am I just that creepy?

Don't answer that last one.

It was something so small, so insignificant and yet it almost completely derailed my ability to finish the conversation. The hurt was palpable. Still, when I think back about it, I still feel that little squeeze where my heart is supposed to be. It really made me look at our friendship and wonder at the validity of it. Is it all pretend, are we just playing at being friends?

I don't have the answer.

The other day a friend turned and made a comment to me. After a few moments they realized they were talking to the wrong person and apologized, laughing, and life went on. A small, insignificant instance. Nothing of import, no feelings hurt, nobody offended. And yet, I find myself wanting to be the person to whom they were asking the question. We shared a chuckle at it and it was forgotten.

Except it wasn't.

And I can't help but wonder if it is me. Again. (Still?) Is it my attitude? Am I mean, low or base? I admit to having a pretty dark sense of humor - I still think farts are funny. Am I sleazy? (Strike that - it falls into the same category as creepy, see above.) Is it something I can't see? What am I that I am not what I want to be? And how do I fix what is broken.

I dont' expect any answers. I don't know that my ego can take much more abuse. No worries, I'm stable and confident enough that even if I never figure it out, I will survive. I'm also a realist enough that I know that whatever is lacking or whatever it is I am doing, I own. It's me whether I discover what it is or not. Those who I have asked tell me there isn't anything, that I am being too hard on myself. I just don't see it that way. Maybe I'm reaching for a star I'll never touch. I know I'll never be perfect. Hell, I'll never be what I want to be.

But I can't help but wonder, is it me?

Huh, who'd of thunk?

Kind of hard to eat sunflower seeds in the shell while wearing a full-face motorcycle helmet. (Yes, I was riding said motorcycle at the time.)

Ahhhhhhhhh......

Ride the motorcycle to work this morning.

Freedom of Religion?

I don't care what religion you are, or how you choose to worship, and unless your religion includes causing harm to others (physical, mental or otherwise) or unless it is a scam to rob others, go for it.


If you want to worship a silver pole a flying spaghetti creature, go for it. Worship trees, or worship the sun or worship henges standing on hills in Scotland. Go for it.


Go. For. It.


My question is why are some religions targeted or, rather, why are people that follow these religions targeted? This country was founded on freedoms that include freedom of religion. Any religion. There are a lot of different ones out there, choose which one you like and go for it.


Unless you are a politician.


Or, more sad, unless you are a Mormon.


I wasn't raised in any specific religion and chose the one I wanted to follow later. It was my decision and I made it for reasons I will tell you when I know you better. If you want to share yours, I don't mind. I like to discuss religion. I won't argue it - all I ask is that it's a civil discussion and not confrontation. What my religion is belongs to me.


My particular thistleprick this time is the political atmosphere and why it is that every time a Mormon hits the news someone slams them simply for what they believe. Someone please tell me what it is about them that is so wrong.


To my knowledge Mormons, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, are people who don't smoke or drink (as a rule) and who value clean living, staying home to raise their kids to be good and polite. They believe in getting out from under debt and managing their money.


They also (oh the horror!) believe in taking care of their fellow man and their charity efforts have benefited people all over the world. Their relief efforts are typically in motion before government agencies are able to get off the ground. Yeah, I hear they take care of their own too, but even if they do that first, they still help communities and nations all over the world.


As far as I know, they seem to be good citizens and members of society. And yeah, I know, there are some poor examples but you pick ANY group of people and you find that. I've worked in law enforcement for over 30 years (wow, I'm old...) and while cops and members of the criminal justice community are expected to live above reproach, I also know a few cops that have lied, stolen and worse. And please don't get me started on politicians.


So, again, someone please tell me exactly what is so wrong with being Mormon. Oh, I've heard that they go blindly into their religion and they don't think for themselves, but the majority that I've met don't act that way. I've also heard the comment that "they aren't Christians" but even their name includes His name and I have yet to have any of the Mormons I've known tell me anything otherwise.


I've lived in several cities and a couple different states and known Mormons both in and out of Utah. Basically, they all profess to the same tenets of their religion and share the same standards.


And while you are at it, since you are going to tell me what is so wrong with them, (oh, and please be prepared to provide proof, not just something you hear from someone who heard from someone...) tell me why being a member of this group precludes holding a political office. Revisit, if you will, my first paragraph. Unless your religion causes harm or loss to another, believe what you want.


I know that the Mormon church has been brought into the light a lot lately due to politics and even a Broadway production, but I'm still trying to see what is so wrong with that group of people. Having lived with them and among them, I'm just not seeing what is so wrong with their values nor why it should matter if someone wants to hold a political office and the belong to this religion.


And shame on anybody who defames this or any other religion without learning firsthand what the real practices or beliefs are of those people.


Tolerance my ass. Listening to political talking heads on TV one would think that the end of the world is here simply because someone who believes in these values wants to take their chance at making the world a better place.

Just Saying

If you shout ”Ambien” in the hallways at work, eyebrows will be raised.

Just saying.

Funny or not?

I'm saying no.


I haven't really had a lot of funny going on lately. At least not for me. Fleeting moments, briefly humorous but gone to quickly. I don't like to be this way - it's hard to live that way. Much harder than having a sense of humor.


I'm trying to be better about it.


Sometimes, the battle to be not un-funny is harder than you think. If you've read my other posts you already know that there I have a few employees that go out of their way to make things unpleasant for me (as well as other staff) and there are some other outside influences that are called "life" as well. Some of these struggles are major and possibly life altering. Some are just plain petty and childish.


The struggle to meet obligations (family, monetary, personal) and 
keeping the balance of work and personal life takes a toll. Even more so when the battles come from all sides and from people who you would think to be either on your side or at least who would show you the courtesy of professional respect.


I've restarted this post three times now because each time I seem to have headed towards vindictiveness. Since it's getting that way, I think I'm just going to cut this short. I'd like to get back to being funny.


Maybe by just avoiding being un-funny I can do that.

Seriously?

You have a logon ID and a password for a reason. Really, you should change them from any sort of defaults and never, EVER use the same word for both your logon and password.


We stress protection so many times in so many ways. This is just one more. And it's worse when you end up placing other people's data at risk. That data is their lives.


Now, like an accidental needle stick and waiting for the Hep and AIDS tests to come back, you get to wait it out to see if someone screws with your personal data. Please watch out for others if not for yourself.