Inside My Head

I was reading an autobiography in which the script from the movie “Promise” was

being discussed. Specifically, this part concerned schizophrenia, but there are very

many similarities to bi-polar dysfunction, and I believe these two to be one and

the same, best described as along the spectrum:

“It’s like, all the electric wires in the house are plugged into my brain. And every one

has a different noise, so I can’t think. Some of the wires have voices in them and they

tell me things to do and that people are watching me. I know there really aren’t any

voices, but I feel that there are, and that I should listen to them or something will happen.

That’s why I send for those ads on the TV, because I feel the voice in the ad is talking

to me. I hear him talking to me. He tells me to buy the things and that… well, I’m afraid

if I don’t.”

I know I am broken. I do not know why, nor do I know how to fix me. I do not hear

voices as was described, but the intrusive thoughts are always there playing like a

subliminal track from a movie. So I turn up the music. I sing along to give me a voice of

my own using borrowed words and thoughts because my own are destructive. Not

destructive in a final countdown to the big sleep kind of way, just self-destructive. So I

try to build walls to keep myself inside and safe from myself.

The walls are created out of music or books or movies. And yet I still hear the thoughts cloyingly

chanting “tear down these walls.” Sometimes, I write to build another part of the wall.

My words acting as bricks and mortar to shore up my defenses. I write and I write and I spew

another pile of verbal vomit to clear the inside of my mind. I write in different places to confuse the

thoughts. I blog to my self, because I absolutely cannot convince myself that others want to hear

what I am thinking.

I write to get rid of the pain of these thoughts. The pain is not acute, but a chronic thing that is always

there. It ebbs and flows, much like the pain of an old injury that is now a weather-tell and has highs

and lows affected by an incoming storm. Most days it can be ignored. Some days I need to take the

edge off by medicating, using writing as an analgesic. Once in a while the pain comes on hard and

fast and I have to seek relief much like using Lamaze breathing techniques to force my focus away

from the pain. Much like an addict, when you find something that alleviates the pain, even temporarily,

you cling to it. You seek it. And when it is taken away from you or no longer works, you panic. You

try harder.

You get desperate. You get afraid. 

I wish you peace.

You Matter (no i do not)

The phrase “You Matter” seems to be getting bandied around a lot lately. I understand

the sentimentality of it, the intent of being positive. But, I struggle with hearing it. At least,

I struggle with hearing it said to me. 

Too often, it gets said with sincerity, but with hollow feelings. People mean it, but it is similar

to saying “How are you?” to someone and not waiting to see how they answer, if they even

do answer. Things get said pro forma, out of habit, or just because that was what one was

taught. Someone says hello and you ask how are you?

I think that the reason that it concerns me a little, is that people really should be reaching

out to one another and actually telling them that they matter. Not just simply brushing over

by formality, but telling someone that they matter with true intent. 

I believe that this is similar to the other platitude of “You never know what life will bring, so

tell someone how you feel before you die,” which is also making the rounds regularly. (Side bar:

This is not always received as well as one would be led to believe.) I do not mean to sound

jaundiced on either of these concepts, but I wish that social media had not turned them into

just handing someone a warm fuzzy. 

Now I really am sounding jaded.

I do believe that one should tell someone that they matter, but quantify the sentiment by

adding the simple words “to me.” Tell someone that they matter to you. Tell them in context. Add

to the phrase. Do not just give them the bread and tell them to make a sandwich of your words.

Add the meat and cheese. Or peanut butter and jam if you prefer. Help them to know where

your thoughts are coming from.

A former co-worker lost her husband a few months ago. It was very sudden and very

unexpected. She called me while dealing with everything from his death to the constant

battles with his family. She was struggling. We talked for a couple hours and I helped her down

off of the ledge she was on. I have since reached out to her a few times, texting or calling. I

do, in fact, tell her that she matters.

Not too long ago, I had posted a few lines about some of the things I had been dealing with.

Earlier this year was kind of a carnival show. The kind that you see next to the abandoned

clown hotel in the middle of the Nevada desert. I then received the requisite “you matters”

from well-meaning people, but I noticed that not one person managed to find the inclination

to really tell that I  mattered or reach out to see that I was handling things. Some days I

was not. 

Do not forget to tell someone they matter if they matter to you. Tell them why. Then

listen. Have a conversation rather than just dictate back and forth. Listen to what they are saying

rather than for an opportunity to tell your next part of the story.