You Matter (no i do not)

The phrase “You Matter” seems to be getting bandied around a lot lately. I understand

the sentimentality of it, the intent of being positive. But, I struggle with hearing it. At least,

I struggle with hearing it said to me. 

Too often, it gets said with sincerity, but with hollow feelings. People mean it, but it is similar

to saying “How are you?” to someone and not waiting to see how they answer, if they even

do answer. Things get said pro forma, out of habit, or just because that was what one was

taught. Someone says hello and you ask how are you?

I think that the reason that it concerns me a little, is that people really should be reaching

out to one another and actually telling them that they matter. Not just simply brushing over

by formality, but telling someone that they matter with true intent. 

I believe that this is similar to the other platitude of “You never know what life will bring, so

tell someone how you feel before you die,” which is also making the rounds regularly. (Side bar:

This is not always received as well as one would be led to believe.) I do not mean to sound

jaundiced on either of these concepts, but I wish that social media had not turned them into

just handing someone a warm fuzzy. 

Now I really am sounding jaded.

I do believe that one should tell someone that they matter, but quantify the sentiment by

adding the simple words “to me.” Tell someone that they matter to you. Tell them in context. Add

to the phrase. Do not just give them the bread and tell them to make a sandwich of your words.

Add the meat and cheese. Or peanut butter and jam if you prefer. Help them to know where

your thoughts are coming from.

A former co-worker lost her husband a few months ago. It was very sudden and very

unexpected. She called me while dealing with everything from his death to the constant

battles with his family. She was struggling. We talked for a couple hours and I helped her down

off of the ledge she was on. I have since reached out to her a few times, texting or calling. I

do, in fact, tell her that she matters.

Not too long ago, I had posted a few lines about some of the things I had been dealing with.

Earlier this year was kind of a carnival show. The kind that you see next to the abandoned

clown hotel in the middle of the Nevada desert. I then received the requisite “you matters”

from well-meaning people, but I noticed that not one person managed to find the inclination

to really tell that I  mattered or reach out to see that I was handling things. Some days I

was not. 

Do not forget to tell someone they matter if they matter to you. Tell them why. Then

listen. Have a conversation rather than just dictate back and forth. Listen to what they are saying

rather than for an opportunity to tell your next part of the story.