Drive

 Drive:

Verb

1. To operate and control the direction and speed of a motor vehicle.

2. Propel or carry along by force in a specified direction.

3. Urge or force (animals or people) to move in a specified direction.

4. (of a source of power) Provide the energy to set and keep (an engine or piece of machinery) in motion.: "turbines driven by steam".

5. (of a fact or feeling) Compel (someone) to act in a particular way, especially one that is considered undesirable or inappropriate.

Noun

1. A trip or journey in a car.

What a word. “He felt the drive to drive his car on a small drive.” 

There are times I wish I had been more driven, more focused, on what I could have been. “What” is open to discussion. Professionally, personally, romantically, socially. Career related, I cannot say that I kept my focus. I know that some young people get an idea of what they want to be when they get older. A local nine-year old boy has started his own business (with help of his parents and family) of baking bread. It started when he asked his mom to teach him how to bake, and now he gets orders from others and bakes bread. He wants to be a baker when he grows up. Focus. Driven. I do not know that I wanted to “be” anything when I was growing up.

Personally, I wish I had the drive to be a better person, be more proactive at being a better person. I wish I had been a lot less selfish when I was younger. I have so, so many faults that I wish had the drive to grow out of. These faults harm no others, but I wish I had been a better person. I have a list. I will not list it here. 

Romantically, I wish I had the drive to just be romantic. I either lost that when I was young or never found it. I believe it is closely related to the selfish part of me. I have theories. I talk about them to my dogs. They listen.

Socially, I was never one to be a part of any team. I did not play team sports when I was younger. I love being a part of a team, I love the work-together dynamic. I just fail at it. (See: Romantically.) 

I am driven to learn things, to learn about people, and places. I love history. I love learning about what makes a person who they are. I suppose that is related to me feeling that I do not know who I am. Or, rather, why I am not the person I believe I could and should be. 

I see my faults. I hide them well, but the person who hides a body always knows where it was buried. 

Sometimes I wonder whether the drive to travel is me seeking another version of me, or if I am just running from my failures. Running from what I lack. Running on empty.

I will get over it. I wish you peace.