Wednesday, October 10, 2012

You'll be in my heart

You'll be in my heart from this day on. Now, and forever more.

I got home form work tonight after a long day. All of them are long anymore. As I walked into the bedroom to change my clothes I saw you out of the corner of my eye and my heart all but stopped. The joy was instantaneous and amazing. I started to reach for you and realized that it wasn't you. That it won't ever be you again in this life.

The last time I held you was when you took your last breath. I felt your body go limp and your life leave as I held you in my arms. I cried out your name.

I couldn't help myself.

You lifted your face and looked at me as if to say "It's alright, everything is alright." Then you were gone.

I knew you were "alright". But my grief was, and is still to this day, a tangible, bitter thing. I loved you with all my heart. No, I love you with all my heart. Tears come easily when I think of you, and life, my life, goes on. But there is a huge hole within me and there is pain.

Pain isn't new to me, and I've been told that it's transient, that you can't really remember how much something hurts. Rather you remember that something hurt. And yet, when I am reminded of you, the pain comes flooding and tearing back. It's amazing how the grief and the pain rip apart any defenses I've managed to build. The memories are as sharp as taking off a fresh layer of skin. Not necessarily enough to bleed, but all the nerves are fresh and quickened, exposed and brilliant with feeling.

Some day we will be together again. You and me and others who have passed too soon. When that time comes, I know that there will be tears. I know that the joy will be as heart-rending as the pain I feel now. What a joyous reunion. And some days it can't come too soon.

For tonight, I will say that I love you as much as ever, that I miss you and will start once again to seek relief from the grief and pain I feel. 

Know this Isabelle, Isa, know that you are, and always will be, in my heart. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Enough: adjective. 1. adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose

Go Rest High On That Mountain - Vince Gill

I know your life on earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the Devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
Son your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Pretty rough couple of months. Nobody's fault but my own. I guess I get it, and I don't have to like it.

Which is really pretty good because I don't. Like it, that is.

Another thing I don't like is that I'm struggling to escape it.  I'm not sure that I can. I'd like to think I can and I'd like to think I have the strength needed to break free. Mentally or physically, I really wish I could reach terminal velocity and clear the gravity of whatever the hell has me in its grasp.

Each day I think I'm failing much better than the last.

Some days I think I'm ready to "go rest high" myself, to go find that mountain.

Some days I've had enough.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Once, Twice, Thrice. (or Still Unfit for Human Consumption.)

In answer to a previous blog question, yes, it is me. Even more these past few days I saw people pulling away from me. How offensive or repulsive must I be?

And while this should bother me more than it does, I find more and mire that I will justify it a something I deserve.

My apologies to you, K.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Is it me?

I must have too much time on my hands. I keep finding myself obsessing thinking about recent events and wondering what it was that I did to cause that to happen, whatever "that" was. I'd like to think that my mind is working so frenetically that it runs out of things to think about while I am about my daily tasks, and then begins to look for other things to do while my hands and body are plodding along trying to keep up.

Yeah, I didn't buy that one either.

More likely, I'm so ADD that every distraction that comes along insinuates itself into my grey matter like a tick or a spider and then claws into the mass until it gets the attention it's seeking.

Okay, THAT needs a little mental bleach.

Back to the topic as I intended, when I start to think on these recent events I try to ascertain cause and effect. What did I do to cause that event? What did I do to alter that course of action? And of course I look at it as my fault - why wouldn't I? I am well aware of being my own worst critic, but then I know myself better than any other person does, therefore I know my faults. And while I know that not everything is my fault, it's still my fault.

A couple of things that happened to me within the past week or two grabbed my attention like virtual slaps in the face. Things that on the surface shouldn't have meant much, and probably don't, but for whatever reason turned into those parasitic critters, digging and chewing their way into my psyche (LOVELY image) until I found myself revisiting them, much like picking at a scab that would heal faster and with less scarring if left alone. True OCDers (CDOers for the truly, TRULY CDO) know better. "Why leave it alone when you can do some serious mental gymnastics with this one?" I should have probably just left well enough alone.

I didn't.

The first event happened a few weeks ago. I was having a discussion with a friend who was dealing with some issues I wasn't a part of, but mostly just venting. Looking for an opportunity to verbalize what was going on at the time, mostly for their own sake. I certainly didn't have any answers. At one point, however, I said something to them and, to stress my point, I reached out and touched the back of their hand with my fingertips. Not a slap, not grabbing, not poking. Just a soft touch on their hand. When I did this, they flinched. They flinched. They. Flinched.

Is it me?

My first thought was that I surprised them, but as we were sitting at a table fairly close and had been so for a while, I was pretty sure they knew I was there at the time. My second thought was "What do you see when you look at me?" What kind of image do I throw out, what impression of myself do I share with others? Am I mean or a brute? Did they think I was going to hit them? Am I just that creepy?

Don't answer that last one.

It was something so small, so insignificant and yet it almost completely derailed my ability to finish the conversation. The hurt was palpable. Still, when I think back about it, I still feel that little squeeze where my heart is supposed to be. It really made me look at our friendship and wonder at the validity of it. Is it all pretend, are we just playing at being friends?

I don't have the answer.

The other day a friend turned and made a comment to me. After a few moments they realized they were talking to the wrong person and apologized, laughing, and life went on. A small, insignificant instance. Nothing of import, no feelings hurt, nobody offended. And yet, I find myself wanting to be the person to whom they were asking the question. We shared a chuckle at it and it was forgotten.

Except it wasn't.

And I can't help but wonder if it is me. Again. (Still?) Is it my attitude? Am I mean, low or base? I admit to having a pretty dark sense of humor - I still think farts are funny. Am I sleazy? (Strike that - it falls into the same category as creepy, see above.) Is it something I can't see? What am I that I am not what I want to be? And how do I fix what is broken.

I dont' expect any answers. I don't know that my ego can take much more abuse. No worries, I'm stable and confident enough that even if I never figure it out, I will survive. I'm also a realist enough that I know that whatever is lacking or whatever it is I am doing, I own. It's me whether I discover what it is or not. Those who I have asked tell me there isn't anything, that I am being too hard on myself. I just don't see it that way. Maybe I'm reaching for a star I'll never touch. I know I'll never be perfect. Hell, I'll never be what I want to be.

But I can't help but wonder, is it me?

Monday, April 30, 2012

Huh, who'd of thunk?

Kind of hard to eat sunflower seeds in the shell while wearing a full-face motorcycle helmet. (Yes, I was riding said motorcycle at the time.)

Monday, April 23, 2012

Friday, April 13, 2012

Freedom of Religion?

I don't care what religion you are, or how you choose to worship, and unless your religion includes causing harm to others (physical, mental or otherwise) or unless it is a scam to rob others, go for it.

If you want to worship a silver pole a flying spaghetti creature, go for it. Worship trees, or worship the sun or worship henges standing on hills in Scotland. Go for it.

Go. For. It.

My question is why are some religions targeted or, rather, why are people that follow these religions targeted? This country was founded on freedoms that include freedom of religion. Any religion. There are a lot of different ones out there, choose which one you like and go for it.

Unless you are a politician.

Or, more sad, unless you are a Mormon.

I wasn't raised in any specific religion and chose the one I wanted to follow later. It was my decision and I made it for reasons I will tell you when I know you better. If you want to share yours, I don't mind. I like to discuss religion. I won't argue it - all I ask is that it's a civil discussion and not confrontation. What my religion is belongs to me.

My particular thistleprick this time is the political atmosphere and why it is that every time a Mormon hits the news someone slams them simply for what they believe. Someone please tell me what it is about them that is so wrong.

To my knowledge Mormons, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, are people who don't smoke or drink (as a rule) and who value clean living, staying home to raise their kids to be good and polite. They believe in getting out from under debt and managing their money.

They also (oh the horror!) believe in taking care of their fellow man and their charity efforts have benefited people all over the world. Their relief efforts are typically in motion before government agencies are able to get off the ground. Yeah, I hear they take care of their own too, but even if they do that first, they still help communities and nations all over the world.

As far as I know, they seem to be good citizens and members of society. And yeah, I know, there are some poor examples but you pick ANY group of people and you find that. I've worked in law enforcement for over 30 years (wow, I'm old...) and while cops and members of the criminal justice community are expected to live above reproach, I also know a few cops that have lied, stolen and worse. And please don't get me started on politicians.

So, again, someone please tell me exactly what is so wrong with being Mormon. Oh, I've heard that they go blindly into their religion and they don't think for themselves, but the majority that I've met don't act that way. I've also heard the comment that "they aren't Christians" but even their name includes His name and I have yet to have any of the Mormons I've known tell me anything otherwise.

I've lived in several cities and a couple different states and known Mormons both in and out of Utah. Basically, they all profess to the same tenets of their religion and share the same standards.

And while you are at it, since you are going to tell me what is so wrong with them, (oh, and please be prepared to provide proof, not just something you hear from someone who heard from someone...) tell me why being a member of this group precludes holding a political office. Revisit, if you will, my first paragraph. Unless your religion causes harm or loss to another, believe what you want.

I know that the Mormon church has been brought into the light a lot lately due to politics and even a Broadway production, but I'm still trying to see what is so wrong with that group of people. Having lived with them and among them, I'm just not seeing what is so wrong with their values nor why it should matter if someone wants to hold a political office and the belong to this religion.

And shame on anybody who defames this or any other religion without learning firsthand what the real practices or beliefs are of those people.

Tolerance my ass. Listening to political talking heads on TV one would think that the end of the world is here simply because someone who believes in these values wants to take their chance at making the world a better place.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Just Saying

If you shout ”Ambien” in the hallways at work, eyebrows will be raised.

Just saying.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Funny or not?

I'm saying no.

I haven't really had a lot of funny going on lately. At least not for me. Fleeting moments, briefly humorous but gone to quickly. I don't like to be this way - it's hard to live that way. Much harder than having a sense of humor.

I'm trying to be better about it.

Sometimes, the battle to be not un-funny is harder than you think. If you've read my other posts you already know that there I have a few employees that go out of their way to make things unpleasant for me (as well as other staff) and there are some other outside influences that are called "life" as well. Some of these struggles are major and possibly life altering. Some are just plain petty and childish.

The struggle to meet obligations (family, monetary, personal) and 
keeping the balance of work and personal life takes a toll. Even more so when the battles come from all sides and from people who you would think to be either on your side or at least who would show you the courtesy of professional respect.

I've restarted this post three times now because each time I seem to have headed towards vindictiveness. Since it's getting that way, I think I'm just going to cut this short. I'd like to get back to being funny.

Maybe by just avoiding being un-funny I can do that.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


You have a logon ID and a password for a reason. Really, you should change them from any sort of defaults and never, EVER use the same word for both your logon and password.

We stress protection so many times in so many ways. This is just one more. And it's worse when you end up placing other people's data at risk. That data is their lives.

Now, like an accidental needle stick and waiting for the Hep and AIDS tests to come back, you get to wait it out to see if someone screws with your personal data. Please watch out for others if not for yourself.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


I don't know if I know how to not be tired anymore.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Thanks for reminding me.

I am sure that you have noticed that I've been writing more. I am trying to be a more productive blogger and be more regular with my entries. One of my blogging idols recently finished a blog-a-day year and while I don't know if I can compete with that, I am going to attempt to at least be more regular with my entries.

Another reason I want to do this is that I received a call at work from a friend and at the end of the call, bless her, she took the time to compliment me on my writings and suggested that I keep writing. To you, C, I owe at least part of this increase in my efforts.

And, I owe you my thanks. Too many times people think nice things, but not often say them and that's just wrong. I've known C for many years; we have worked together and she's always had nothing but kindness to share. She's that type of person.

Another person I would like to thank is J. (Yes, I know I am leaving out their names. Privacy is something I won't steal from them.) I've known J since we were in elementary school together, which translates to a long time. I am a lot older, but J hasn't aged nearly as much as I have. Thanks to social media and the blessings of reuniting with friends and family. J and I shared a few words one night discussing some of the unpleasantness in our lives. The support she shared was a beautiful surprise and, quite literally, warmed my heart and spirit.

I don't know who I write for, maybe just for myself. I see by my page views that spreading the word out on Facebook and Twitter is working. I guess I'll see what happens. If the readership continues, then maybe there really is some value to this other than me stretching my fingers on the keyboard.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


Unrequited: adjective. 1. not returned or reciprocated; 2. not avenged or retaliated.

Love? Promises? Some form of misdeed?

Which side have you found yourself on - the unrequited or the non-requiter? Do you love someone that doesn't love you back? Are there promises that you have made that you failed to follow through with? What foul occurrence or wrong have you witnessed that you did nothing to repair?

Love is easy. Or rather, shared love is easy. When love is shared then two people will do anything for each other. Two people in love can overcome all obstacles. You give to each other, you share with each other and you protect and defend each other. You make life easier for each other. You comfort each other.

Unrequited love is not so easy. You do little things for the other person and if they recognize it, you might get thanked. They mean the thanks, but it isn't the same as if they love you in return. As a matter of fact, if they do recognize it, they are probably more than a little uncomfortable about it. They will minimize it to prevent acknowledging or encouraging behavior they will not or cannot return. Your defense is that you also openly minimize it to hide the pain you feel. Privately, you hurt very deeply.

Promises are easily given and too often defaulted on. "I promise that I'll bring you lunch" or "I promise I'll grab a newspaper for you." Simple, little promises that in all probability won't destroy the world of the person you make them to. And, oddly, probably more likely to be followed through with. Why is it that the big promises, the truly important ones are the ones that get broken. Think to yourself and ask, "Which promises have I made?" Then, for follow-up, ask yourself, "Which promises have I broken?" Do you find yourself in debt by your own words?

I am sorry to say this, but I do. I can think of too many instances that I've let someone down. I guess one good thing about it is that I find that these times haunt me. Maybe it will make me be a better person.


Seen any lately? Are you looking for them? Are you NOT looking for them? Do you avoid seeing them so that you don't have to act? Are you simply avoiding them or are you in denial? Is it easier in your mind to not notice or to un-see these things? Are you not seeing the bullies of the world because they are targeting someone else and you're just glad it isn't you?

Committed any lately? Have you, as the song says, "Done somebody wrong?"

Don't get wound up. I'm not saying you set out to hurt someone intentionally. But have you committed a sin of silence? Have you not said something that could have helped another? Have you done everything you can to lighten the load of another? Have you witnessed someone else struggling and turned away?

How we act, how we treat others without an audience, shows more about the type of person we are regardless of our beliefs. Or rather, about our supposed beliefs. Regardless of which, if any, church you belong to or whatever higher power in which you believe, maybe you should take a look at your life, at your self, at how you really treat people in spite of whether it will benefit you or not.

Please, take a minute and create an opportunity for yourself to grow.

I try to do just this every day.

I said I try, I did not say I succeed.

But I try.

Friday, March 30, 2012

I was taken to see the movie "Act Of Valor" last night and I have to say that it was everything that I had heard it was. If you know me, or even if you don't, you know I hold a deep abiding respect for those who serve in our armed forces and our criminal justice community. As a rule, most people I know who serve in these two communities share both the value of ethics (Ethics: Knowing what is right and acting accordingly) and exhibit the strength of valor (Valor: Courage in the face of danger.)
As with any group, you will always find some individuals that fall short of these values, mostly without extreme loss or cost, at least as far as life or money is concerned. Unfortunately, these same people don't realize the cost relative to the people in whichever group they are associated with as well as the cost to their own reputation.
Recently, I've been fighting a lot of battles in my own little corner of the world, both professional and personal. Both of these have had their own cost. I haven't totaled these yet.
I'm not sure that I care to.
One of the things that hit me while watching the movie was the teamwork and dedication to each other that the members of the teams demonstrated. And then it hit me hard how much has been lost due to the actions of some of my coworkers and their lack of teamwork. This is the cost I am going discuss today.
I draw portions of the following from a quote of Chief Tecumseh. These words were used to great effect in the movie. I hope these words, along with my own, express some of what I have been feeling:
“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
While we aren't faced with death at my office, we do face respect. Or rather, lately, lack of respect. I have been totally amazed at the way some people have chosen to act. And saddened at how these people have chosen to treat others. I'm not as concerned about how they treat me - I'm concerned with how they have treated each other. The backstabbing and plotting; the gossiping and pettiness.
I am truly ashamed at how some of the people that work for me have acted. Some, only for a short period but others for years. Experts say that if you do something every day for 30 days it becomes a habit. I guess if you do it for years you have either perfected this as a habit or it is your personality.
What I don't understand is why someone would choose to treat anybody that way.  Are you that insecure that you have to tear someone else down to elevate your own status? Are you three years old? Why is it that you have to declare "That's not fair!" if it is something you don't like. This same person feels the victim in every aspect of their life but can't wait to throw anybody else under the bus at first chance.
Another person won't talk to me because they feel "uncomfortable" talking to me. They would rather jump the chain of command and complain rather than use an open discussion to resolve an issue. This same person, however, will excuse not performing a task by simply saying "I don't think why we should do that". Never mind that it was a task that was given to them by their supervisor. I don't understand how you can simply just dismiss a request by a supervisor. Another excuse is "I don't do that very often and I don't want to do it wrong so I don't think I should have to do that." Really?
One more example. The "friend" likes to buddy up to you, then will go behind your back to others and make up their version of conversations they had with you.  This same person, since they are a neighbor of someone in management, will take advantage of time spent outside of the office to discuss their work-related complaints while coloring their version to place the emphasis on how they are the victim. Many times I have had to meet with management to justify my actions or decisions. To date, I have been in the right with every one of them. To date, this person is still more likely to go behind your back to get what they want. Happy to smile to your face, just as happy to stab you in the back on a daily basis.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.
I hate to say it, but I have been guilty of this as of late. Mostly, and still not all right, because of the anger I was feeling at some of the actions of these people. I tend to turn inside myself at times like this. Mostly for the protection of others.
My behavior wasn't right and the only good thing I can say is that it didn't last long. There is a requirement that while we don't have to be best friends, we do have to work together. Show each other respect.
Don't grovel. We owe it to each other to display the respect we deserve. We deserve to get this respect.
When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.
Sadly, these three individuals have abused every relationship with their fellow employees. Not just the ones they feel in contention with, but also with each other. I hope they realize that the trust they have given each other is a false trust and has no depth. I wonder if they know that each of them will as likely turn on each other as they did on the rest of the staff and me.
Similar to the girl that steals another's husband - if he will cheat on her with you, he will cheat on you with someone else. Who are you going to target when the people you have targeted stop putting up with your actions?
When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home."
Each day we should live our lives beyond reproach. Each and every one of us should be honest, selfless, and humble. These values aren't counter to confidence or self-worth. Rather, these values enhance oneself. If you want to look at it in a business sense, think of it as customer service. Providing good customer service does not include compromising your values.
Be the hero. Your actions should display distinguished valor and ethics. You should demonstrate noble qualities with how you treat everybody.
How you treat people will be obvious, if not to you, to everybody with whom you interact. What you say and do, how you act, will determine your value to others.