The Feeling Of Being Dead

 

“A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. It seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.”

― William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

This quote has been on my mind for a few days now, maybe a week or so. And it seems to me that I want to relate it to, or refute it with my father as an example. My father was no coward. Neither was my mother, but that is a story to tell at another time. I never knew my father to turn away from any challenge. There were some things he had to adapt to his capabilities, but he never shrunk from any of them. I still have people who knew him tell me what a great man he was. The admiration that I have seen expressed for him, and the respect held for him, made (and make) me wish I were a better man than what I am or ever could be. People who knew him, would do almost anything for him, and he would do the same for them.

Dad was brave enough to stay close to the love of his life, my mother, at all costs. Eventually, they ended up married and the love and loyalty that he held for mom was evident in everything he did for her. Dad, having lost part of one leg and using prosthetics, and having had an artificial hip that gave him tremendous pain until the end of his life, did not even consider getting handicap plates for their cars until mom needed them. He did for her what he would not do for himself.

Dad would do little things for her that she would not ask for. Dad protected her from pain, from her fears, and sadly enough, even from family members when needed. I think what pained dad the most was people causing mom hurt or pain. Dad loved mom above all else.

Dad was also not afraid to die. After a harrowing crash that gave him the injuries that he suffered from for the rest of his life, dad died several times at the scene of the crash and enroute to the hospital. Dad suffered many debilitating health issues related to what violence his body suffered that night. Circulatory problems. Heart and joint problems. Phantom pain from the amputation. Dad was in pain for the remainder of his life.

As a result of the health issues, dad had also endured several rounds of surgery for various health issues. Dad died and was resuscitated in a few of these events and dad always new when that had happened. He said he remembered the feeling. The feeling of being dead.

Dad died many times, but he was no coward.

Dad treated people respective to how they treated others. Dad did not suffer fools lightly, but would also not hesitate to take them to task if they were offensive. I know not everybody had the same relationship with dad that most people had, but dad was never mean or spiteful. He would demand your respect for mom, and would leave you to your own self where it regarded him. Many people thought that dad was standoffish and maybe cold, but if that was how he treated you, you did something to deserve it. Dad would offer respect to you if you deserved it, even if he did not care for you. But you deserved the treatment he gave you.

Dad had a quiet and reserved, but amazing sense of humor. Dad was warm and inviting and giving. Dad was generous and kind. If you did not know dad this way, you probably should have gotten to know him better. Or, perhaps, you brought it on yourself.